Here's what to do

Hey Brother, 

Got a question from an email subscriber so let's hear it out…

Hi, MOS

Thanks for your email "Pay attention" where you answered a question by a fellow subscriber struggling with approaching women at Starbucks. I'm one of those who struggle with approaching women. So this helped me a lot.

A question I'd love to ask is about conversations with the girl. There is a girl I met last year in December. I managed to get her number but I had to convince myself and push myself to do the action. Well, I did and got her number but I only called her after a month. Which was this year early January.

I called and proposed that we meet, and without hesitation, she agreed and we met. It was awkward and alien to me since this was my first time but we did talk for almost 2 hours and in those hours she was the only one talking the most. Now my problem is that I usually go blank and do not know what to say to her or talk about when I'm with her.

So may you please advise me on how can I be more active when talking to her and not be bored by being silent due to not knowing what to say?

-Li

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My response:

First of all, when you get a girl's number, make sure to text her immediately cause the more time you waste not following up on her, the greater the chances of her flaking or completely forgetting about you.

I recommend texting her within 2-6 hours of getting a girl's number so it's more easy to keep the ball rolling.

Now to the main bit...

Based on your question, I don't think you were a bore to her and the reason why it's simple...you gave her the chance to talk which is not something women enjoy on a date.

You see on a date, the ideal conversation ratio is 60%(woman):40%(man) in terms of talking.

The fundamental reason for this is that most women want to listen to themselves talk. Not just women but everyone likes to hear themselves talk.

You want this. I want this. That cute girl you’ve got your eye on wants it too.

We all want someone to listen to us and say, “Wow, that’s smart,” or, “You’re so creative,” or, “It’s so sad that happened to you,” or, “You’ll get there - I’m certain of it. Just keep swinging.”

It’s why people who are flatterers are so damn good at getting what they want even when you know what they’re doing.

Talking less and listening more on the date opens up room for the girl to come in and fill in what you don’t know about her or a situation. It helps you avoid potentially alienating topics by feeling her out first and getting a read on her views and values. And it asks her to be impressive to you, rather than demand that you be impressive to her.

That's our goal and why I encourage you to talk less while on dates.

The easiest thing to do in such a situation is to use what she said and try to dig deeper in the sense of "Oh how did that make you feel" or "Why do you think like that" (chick digs this shit a lot)

It doesn't need much too especially if the conversation is productive in terms of you getting to know her. Your main focus in conversation should always be on the woman, and the main focus of a focus on the woman should be on her strong emotional topics – childhood, dreams, past relationships, goals and aspirations, things that are currently exciting her or frustrating her in life right now. The reason why this is that sharing strong emotional topics is what makes someone feel deeply bonded and connected to another person. If you aim to get a woman feeling connected to you at a rapid clip, this is ultimately how you do it.

It doesn't help that your mind is preoccupied with what to say to her. Stop worrying about what to say to her, cause the more she talks, the more conversation material she gives you.

Say on the date, she talks about being an accountant then instead of being worried about what you should say next, you should instead deep dive into her to talk more about "why" she became an accountant and her goals regarding being an accountant.

Our goal is to get her talking about emotional topics so we can bond with her while at the same time, we tease her about it to keep the date fun and flirty. Notice how we are killing two birds with one stone.

=> We are bonding on her emotional level with her (Comfort)

=> We are teasing, and flirting to keep things fun and her attraction level to us high.

Not knowing what to say is more of a mindset type of thing cause you are worried about losing value in the girl's eyes (which is understandable since this is your first time)

Don't worry about it, focus on keeping the vibe fun and flirty while getting to know her on a deeper level.

What I do in my conversation is simply focus on managing the conversation flow.

That means I would take things deep with the girl on a date and then bring them back up again periodically with a little lighthearted teasing or a witty comment here or there, or pointing out that something in the conversation is silly or doesn’t make sense.

It looks like this:

Her: ....And then he stood me up for no reason and I felt awful about it for weeks.

Me: Wow that's terrible. [pause for maybe five seconds, let the dust settle from the deep emotions] I guess you feel better these days.

Her: I guess so

Me: Life can be like that sometimes but as long as we are alive, we keep moving.

Her: You are right

Me: So how do you pick yourself up during hard spells or do you just go out on dates to try to seduce your date?

Her: lol

Notice I took things to an emotional level and then made something light of it which the girl acknowledged and made her feel good.

That's how you want your dates to go.

Bear in mind, I’m not telling you to sit there like a clam; you will still do a lot of talking much of the time during dates. You will usually carry much of the early conversation, and you have to be engaging. You will tell stories, crack jokes, and kick off topics and lead them. You don’t (and shouldn’t) want to stop talking; you just want to take however much you talk right now, and talk less while listening more.

Summary

=> Forget about what to say and instead pick up on what to say from what she talks about.

=> Deep dive to know her motivations, fears, and aspirations while teasing her and flirting with her.

=> Talk less, listen more.

=> Remember it's a date so keep things fun and light.

Until next time

-MOS