Understanding Frame

Hey Brother,

This dude here, 30 yrs old.

Living in Washington State and he told me he wanted to speak to me urgently about something.

He was in a Long distance relationship with a 34yrs old woman living in Indiana for several years.

The woman was demanding that he moved to Indiana and start a family with her as she was getting close to the end of her reproductive window.

Dude told me, he loved, cared for the woman and didn't wanna to lose her.

It was the second relationship with a woman that he had ever add.

He told me they have broken up and gotten back together several times over the last few years and that he had no interest in living in Indiana.

He was also concerned about the fact that with no friends or family around Indiana, he would functionally have to spend what little time he had left from work with her friends and family (baby also if they had one)

When we spoke, he was considering moving forward with the agreement as long as he could secure a promise from her that he could have 1-2 hrs to himself everyday.

About 10 minutes in, I told him to stop talking cause he was so fully anchored at the woman's offer so fully in the woman's frame and so unaware of this reality that he was considering himself fortunate if he was allowed an hour of his own life everyday for himself.

He was negotiating for scraps and he couldn't see it while also buying fully into the fallacy that it's either the offer the woman put on the table or nothing at all (which just isn't true)

This guy was so behind the eight ball that he couldn't see anything beyond the limited options presented by this woman and probably more than anything else is emblematic of a man who has completely abdicated frame.

A lot of guys find themselves in such a situation and now what I'm going to say might sound harsh but....

What I want you to do if you ever find yourself in such a situation or you are in such situation is to ignore what the woman wants like pretend you don't even know what she wants...

...And ask yourself "What do you want?"

Funny thing is a lot of guys have never asked themselves this question before at least as it pertains to women and they don't usually have a ready answer.

In fact they often respond with this look of disbelief in their face that says "wait you mean I have a choice?"

Yes mate, you have a choice and the reason why you don't feel like you do is because the only way you've been able to secure your limited access to women is by catering to their needs but this is not the only way (not by a long shot)

Now before I get any pushback for this suggestion, let's briefly consider what this woman is actually doing in this situation...

She is functionally demanding on the threat of revoking the relationship that this man gives up his life and enter into hers.

In Indiana, she has her house, job, friends and family. She wants babies on her timeline and the presumption is that the man will continue to work to bankroll her "lifestyle" to pay for what she wants (she is not going take care of him for all his sacrifices) The reward for his sacrifice is that he gets to take care of her.

What's more is this woman knows this man's reservation and reasonable concerns.

She knows he has no interest in living in Indiana and she is demanding all of this anyway. Look at this way, she doesn't give a single fvck about his desires and she is doing it with total impunity like based on what he said, she doesn't think she is being selfish.

I told him to imagine "what he would do if he was ignorance of this woman's desires."

That's why this thought experiment works cause it invites men to consider how they would live if they could live like a woman...

So how to respond to all of this?

The first step is for men to seriously consider how they want to live their lives. Is not in my place to tell you how to live your life so you have to figure this out on your own. When I say "lives", I mean it in every aspect not just pertaining to women.

Ask yourself the following questions:

- Is there a woman in my vision? If so, what is she doing there?

- What is her role in your life?

- Are there children in your vision? If so how are I going to raise them?

- What values do I want to bring into their life etc?

Once you have figured out why you want them you build your resources and extrapolate your lifestyle, you can then flip the script and make an offer to a woman.

To be clear - this is not a simple role reversal since in order to compensate for the sacrifice she might make to enter into his frame, you will have to provide: provision, protection and a better lifestyle than a woman wil hope to provide for herself.

These compensations are what typically differentiate women's offer from men's. Women's offers are generally more of a "come into my world and take care of me" which is why women's offer generally suck while men's offer is typically "come into my world and I'll take care of you." Big difference.

I told him to imagine "what he would do if he was ignorance of this woman's desires?" Is starting a family, what he wants in the next year or two?

In that moment he realized that none of this was his idea. Moving to Indiana was not his idea so is becoming a father next year. So is spending time with this woman's family was not his idea. All of this idea was put into his head by the woman. He would ever even have been thinking about these things if it wasn't for the woman. These ideas have been insinuated in his mind for so long and so effectively that he had forgotten that they weren't his ideas and it was easy for him to slip more into her frame because he didn't have a strong conscious frame of his own with which to counter.

However in that moment, he remembered his own ideas and his response was immediate.

He said NO that he wanted to sort his life out, explore relationship with different types of women, start a business and develop a social network. Which is what he told her.

I talked more about frame in my book “what women want”

Quick note: Men thrive when they are in their frame, figure out what you want and get to work. Get your life in order, figure out the lifestyle you want to live, figure out your mission, friends, money, health, social circle and get those things squared away so when you meet a woman you like, you can present your offer so she can tag along for the ride.

Until next time

Your bruv, mentor and friend.

-MOS

MADE OF STEEL